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While listening to virtual worship on a Sunday morning in October, the minister mentioned that October is “Domestic Violence Awareness Month.” A lightbulb ignited in my brain taking me back to over a half-century when I was the victim of spousal abuse for several years. I kept the dirty little secret to myself because of shame and stigmatization. I am a survivor through God’s grace.

When I showed up at work with a busted lip or blackened eye covered with sunglasses, coworkers would ask if I was alright. My response was always about tripping and falling. In those days, you kept your personal life tucked within. As time went on, the abuse became more frequent and I was choked leaving bruises around my neck. My husband at the time was always apologetic and communicated he was never going to lay hands on me again. He bought flowers and other gifts to show his good intent.

Eventually, there was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I garnered the courage and stamina to leave. As a mother of three children, I was worried about supporting the family, but I came to the awareness that I was setting a bad precedent for my children. I did not want my two daughters to think it okay for a man to physically abuse them and treat them as if they were a punching bag.

Since 1989, October has been the month set aside to acknowledge domestic violence survivors, thrivers, victims and families. Awareness of any issue or concern is key to eliminating its ravishing effect. Domestic violence (also known as intimate partner violence (IPV), domestic abuse or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence is an act of violence committed by someone in the victim’s close-knit circle. This could be a spouse, a partner, an ex-partner or ex-spouse, an immediate family member, a relative or a friend.

Recently, in Washington, DC hours after the protective order was filed, a woman was murdered according to a local newspaper article. The woman who was shot in her head and chest inside her home was another reminder of a domestic violence prevention system overwhelmed with people desperately seeking help and one that leaves them largely on their own to navigate police and court bureaucracies. The victim had experienced prior domestic violence incidents and reached out for help. Even when protective orders are served, that paperwork alone cannot prevent someone from violating the order and cannot make the abuse stop.

The cycle of abuse often goes through stages: tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm. Abusive behaviors may escalate from cycle to cycle, although this isn’t always the case. Even though it doesn’t happen in all cases of abuse, abusive behaviors in relationships may go through cycles, which can make them additionally painful and confusing.

Abuse does look the same for everyone or in every situation. Even in the same relationship, abusive behaviors can change over time and, in some cases, they may appear to cease before they show up again. This is often referred to as the cycle of abuse.

The cycle of abuse or cycle of violence is a concept that was first documented in the 1970s by psychologist Lenore E. Walker.

Through extensive observation and interview processes with women who’d experienced abuse and domestic violence, Walker identified a few stages that tend to repeat in an abusive relationship.

The stages of the cycle of abuse are:

• Stage 1: tension building
• Stage 2: incident of violence
• Stage 3: reconciliation
• Stage 4: calm

The model of a cycle of abuse has served as a reference for mental health professionals, but it isn’t meant to be comprehensive of all experiences related to abuse.

The stages of the cycle of abuse may not always happen in the same order, or some of them may not happen in some cases. Abuse can be – and is for many people – without respite.

It is also possible that the cycle involves transitioning between different types of abuse. For example, emotional abuse could dominate the building of tension, reconciliation, and calm states, while sexual or physical abuse may increase during the incident stage.

Domestic violence touches every community in this Nation. Americans of every race, religion, and background are impacted. Its consequences transcend generations, impacting children and reshaping whole families. As a survivor of domestic abuse, I took a stand in order to create a different paradigm for my branch of the family.

Men are often stronger and more powerful than women. There is no atrocity than the abuse of power, especially when that abuse is directed toward a partner. For many decades, our Nation kept the issue of domestic violence in dark corners and shadows. Survivors such as myself sat in shame as society often looked away from what people dismissed as a “family affair.” Police often closed a blind eye to the abuser leaving the victim in danger.

Four in 10 American women and nearly 3 in 10 American men are still impacted by domestic violence. If you or someone you know needs help today, immediate and confidential support is available 24/7 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by visiting thehotline.org, calling 1-800-799-7233 or texting “START” to 88788.

Know that you are important and deserve support and protection.